A World Too Beautiful for Grief

Interview with a Vampire/Myself

2010-11-03T13:42:00.000-07:00

1) Medicine? WTF? Where did that come from?
I always wanted to be a doctor as a kid, then got to high school, did the whole 'trying to find myself thing' and took every subject under the sun and decided the real me (or the me I wanted to be) liked social stuff more than science. Plus I knew that to do medicine I would have to leave Christchurch, which I couldn't do at that stage. Come the end of high school I still wanted to help people so I did psych, then I got all focussed on the fact that that wasn't really the way I wanted to help people, wanted to do stuff in terms of the developing world so did development studies…went on to realise that I'm way more hands on than any job I would be able to do in development management and actually, whilst I'd like to do something hands on in developing countries, development studies, unless you have a practical degree leads to a desk job…What my daydream had always been was actually to do a stint with doctors without borders or something like that. I was just too scared to pursue it.

So, I got thinking again…and I do want to help people, I would like to do that medically, I actually am fascinated by science when I'm not trying to be anything else, I want to problem solve, I want a job that is reactive rather than a pile of papers to get through, I want something hands on and practical, I want to deal with people…

And that made me realise that all my soul searching actually just took me away from what I am to what I thought I should be…

So I want to go back to the beginning. The kid knew who they were…the kid wanted to be a doctor. I think the kid will be pretty good at it and would like it as well…

I have never in my life studied like I did for the entrance exam…up at like 6-6.30 study for one to two hours before going to my fulltime job then straight home and study until like 11 when I go to bed. And it was hard but I loved it. I found it fasinating. That made me realise how suited I am to this

I have always been in the slightly awkard position of being quite academic but actually a really hands on person. I don’t want to waste what I have but I also want a really practical, hands on, reactive job. This is the profession where I can marry those two things.

So so many reasons…

Why am I doing this? Because I can’t not.

2) Why Sydney?
-for me it’s about 3 years shorter
-they take people from all different backgrounds not just med sci. They were particularly keen on social science students as they really focus on wanting not just academics but people who relate well to others. I think that’s important too and I liked what that said about the uni
-for similar reasons, I liked that they had interviews. If you don’t interview then you are just looking for academics and I don’t think that is what the medical profession needs.
-it’s graduate entry there, meaning that the average age is about 25 (slightly younger than me). This means I will not be in a class full of people 10 years younger than me. I also heard that this means that the students there tend to be more serious about this. They’ve been out and lived and they are giving up careers etc to do this. It’s not just an option coming out of school
-at Sydney I get to have patient contact from week one. This is very different. It’s much more hands on there. Years 3 and 4 are based entirely at the hospital. I’m really not keen on another how ever many years just sitting in lectures. I like to do things to learn. I like to react and solve problems. I like people.
-there are very few lectures there – they are ‘problem based learning’ sessions meaning the group is presented a case and have to work through it together. Kind of like House except the case is not current (potentially not even real). This is a fantastic way for me to learn and much more suited to my personality
-people think that it’s like putting my life on hold until I graduate but with the way all of that is done over there I don’t feel like that at all. I am actually looking forward to studying. I’m not just looking forward to 4 years time when I have my degree, I’m looking forward to next year
-I would have to leave Christchurch to do this anyway as you can only do the final years here…so if I have to leave, I absolutely love Sydney, it’s one flight the same as Dunedin and I’ll probably be away for 4 years in Syd and I’d be away at least 3-4 in Dunedin but I wouldn’t be qualified by the time I got back.
-Sydney is awesome and I have always thought I could live there for a while. Sydney has many more churros.
-I find Australian accents attractive

3) How long will that take?
The bachelor of medicine bachelor of surgery degree will take 4 years. The first two years based one day per week at a hospital and 4 at uni, the second two years are totally based at the hospital. After that I’ll do an internship/one or two years as a junior doctor while I figure out what I want to specialise in. I’ll be a full member of the medical profession then, rather than provisional after my degree. After that it’ll depend on what I do – probably 4 years for a specialty before I am a member of that college, or 2 years to become a member of the royal college of GPs. That time is all working with some exams to support that. So in essence, four years for the degree and then some on the job training…

4) Will you specialise do you think?
At the moment I could imagine being a GP for sure or the other thing that really fascinates me is cardiology but I imagine I might be taken by something else that I haven't even considered. I’ll just see what interests me but I could definitely imagine general practice.

The wait is over and the news was good

2010-10-18T01:47:00.000-07:00

As of 2011 I return to what I was in the beginning...before life changed things but with all the lessons I learnt along the way - University of Sydney Medical School I'm on my way

Run Forest Run

2010-10-14T03:02:00.000-07:00

A few things you should know before reading this post...

1) Tonight I ventured out for the first time since my surgery...I went to the theatre

1b) It was Sweeny Todd and it was amazing (you actually didn't need to know that - I just wanted to share)

2) I have crutchers and with 2 bung legs I have to alternate right arm with left leg and vice versa

3) The bandages were hidden

4) I have to sit in the back seat of the car with my feet up...there is noone in the passenger seat

5) I was wearing my favourite, new hat...I'm very proud of it...see:

Okay, so first, here we are, running late and Sharyn drops me off...I am alone at the theatre, all dressed up and walking like I have polio...People are sssstttttaaaarrrrriiiiinnnngggg...all sorry looking because they don't know it's self inflicted...anyway...focus... (as an aside, I was propositioned by a young man in a passing vehicle who said 'want a hand love' - although I'm not sure he actually meant 'hand' - who said chivalry is dead?)

I have to keep my legs up...so, I have to put them on Sharyn's legs because we were too late to arrange a footstool...

(The staring people have me plotting funny things to say...)

People from work are there...but they only see me at intermission, with my legs up luckily on the seat next to me by now and I look like a naughty teenager with my feet on the chairs at the theatre royal...Sean (colleague) says 'I thought you only get one seat each' ...I laugh awkwardly...

(and expose a little bandage)

Great play comes to an end and colleagues are about to walk past again...I try to look natural and pick up my crutchers 'ahhh crutchers' says Sean knowingly...'yep' I say, trying to look as though I had picked them up for some reason other than saving face...

Walking/hobbling out there is more staring...I am going very slowly tap tap tap tap on the way back to the car...

Someone walks past me...a couple actually...they kind of glance sideways at me (joketime)

'RUN FOREST RUN' - It just comes out...honestly it was just for a giggle...they didn't laugh...maybe that's because they think I am dying, a poor young prisoner trapped in my ailing body...

The car park...We drive up to the window...Sharyn says 'she's hurt her legs, that's why she's in the back' (unnecessary explanation)...

I chip in 'she has kidnapped' me then I mouth 'HELP'...Sharyn yells 'SHUT UP' laughs then says 'it's hard to get good passengers these days'...He laughs...a lot and then says 'I like your hat'...

I am sttttooookkkeeeeddd...

Then he whispers 'just trying to keep her happy'...

hahaha touche old carpark man...I have enjoyed this exchange...

By Monday I will know...

2010-10-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

They sent me an email to tell me that they will send me an email...by the 18th...

Terrified is an understatement...

Sorry doesn't make it okay

2010-10-12T18:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have done something I shouldn't have, or more often, not done something I should have. I do it repeatedly then I say something like 'I'm so bad' or 'I'm such a bad person'.

I think that means I'm sorry or I think that absolves me.

I feel disempowered. I feel like that's all I'm capable of. I lose integrity.

The truth is...I am not bad, I am not a bad person. I am choosing to behave badly and I am capable of better.

And with that truth, with that idea challenged, I have no excuse.

I want to nurture my integrity and lately I haven't always chosen that path.

But I am capable of more...

Courage to hope - A call to arms

2010-10-12T02:25:00.000-07:00

I have too much time to think right now and I am realising just how much harder my thinking patterns make my life.

I have just spent a huge amount of money and a huger amount of hope on an operation to finally fix my legs.

At the same time, I am waiting for the final yes or no to go to Sydney Med School next year.

If (I still have to say that) I get in then I can apply to do an elective, actually one or both of 2 possible electives, working in another country. Today I found out that one of the options is Nepal, even rural, community health Nepal. Something I have dreamed of. Something that would marry my interest in development and my extreme desire to practice the hands on art of medicine in one. This would be the best thing I could imagine.

It should be good. But it HURTS. I am terrified that these things are not going to happen, I am terrified of failure, I am scared, when it comes down to it, that I am a fraud and that everyone is going to figure that out.

I am scared that if I allow myself to hope, it will hurt more if my plans don't come to be. I am scared that everyone thinks that I could never run as far as my old running partner, that I have never been the top of the class...and I am afraid that if the surgery doesn't work, or I never find that motivation again, or if they reject my application, that everyone will just think that it is confirmation of what they already knew...that I am full of crap.

The fact is that I know it is not true. I really do. But I still make it very very clear that I might not have done well in the interview and I still feel the need to talk about when I used to run 40k or whatever and I still choose to think that people are not believing me and I still choose to feel as though people are trying to rub their success in my face, that they are telling me that I'm not as good as them.

Someone very insightful has been helping me think things through and she said it all really when she said that because I'm so scared to hope, because I am always trying to prepare myself for the worst potential outcome, my life goes by with me feeling as if the worst thing is happening all the time.

But I'm still so afraid of failure.

I know with my mind (and the help of said insightful person) that expecting the worst doesn't actually stop it from happening and it doesn't actually make it any easier.

But I am afraid of failure...

and I am afraid of falling in love, with a city, with a man, with a life that I might not get...

If I could have one wish, and I guess, in my less tired and periodic state, I can have that wish...I would wish for the courage to hope. Hope is brave and honorable and alive and exciting and inspired and innocent and loving and inspiring and the only way to really experience all the good that is going on around you.

Even if it is hard.

The book about Obama's upbringing is called 'the audacity of hope'. I loved that even before I knew why.

My favourite ever work prank OR Vengence I

2010-10-09T01:58:00.000-07:00

At work, when we are not absolutely overcome with trying to save the world one report at a time, pranking has been known to happen...

After a few close calls with reports going to committees with the occasional 'I'm so stupid I don't deserve to live' sentences added in by workmates, or a few autocorrects 'the' to 'tit' you soon learn to lock your computer...

Unless you are the key perpetrator...so workmate who we SHall call Aryn, is always playing tricks on me...including the month long episode where I lost all my stationary and was so afraid that I was losing my mind that I didn't even tell anyone...I mean you can lose a pencil quite easily but pencils, rulers, cellotape holders, staplers, holepunchers...anyway...after some very discreet 'has anyone seen my stapler?' remarks Aryn confessed after a couple of months (serious stickability)...anyway so time for the actual blog...VENGENCE...

Aryn leaves her computer unlocked...I jump on...I am struck by inspiration just like Michaelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel...and I start to write...

"Dear (R) Od, I find you very attractive (he actually is quite lovely looking...but I didn't let on...). Love Sharyn" (oops I mean Aryn)...

but, and here is the genius part...I tell Od that I am doing it...and by our genius combined, he drafts a reply email..."Aryn, well this is really awkward, you know I'm engaged'....

Then we sit like lions in wait...and she returns to her desk.

send (click).

ding ding...you have mail...

silence, Aryn's face is RED...

Did she have some lapse in self control and send him a seductive email...did Sumo send the email to Od from her account in a terrible prank and he really thinks she is in love with him, did she mean to send a little remark to all the other ladies in the office who think he is hot...she says NOTHING.

I'm glad my back is facing her as Od and I are both about as red as her by this point but from holding in the laughter

she checks her sent items...

the jig is up...but she is too scared to call it...

I confess...and that was better than the holepunch stuck to the desk (and subsequent confetti explosion) and the missing stationary, and the stamp pad ink on Aryn's phone and the switching the superceded and amended stamps...all added together.

what can I say...it was inspired.

New Running Shoes...

2009-09-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

are, I believe, a bit like a new bra.

You never know how bad the old ones are until you put on a new one.

Welcome to my wardrobe little shoes

Taking Submissions (Like a true bureaucrat)

2009-08-26T01:29:00.000-07:00

This picture is DISGUSTING:So awesomely disgusting. What is more disgusting? That these blighters...well similar blighters are living inside me. Not for long. They are gallstones by the way. Anyway...I was just looking for an excuse to GROSS YOU ALL OUT.

Here is the submission topic...when I first cultivated these babies the pain was very bad (but that part is boring). Then, the last six months it has gotten much better. These times I am quite happy to refer to as gallstone ATTACKS but now when the pain comes it is (according to the specialist temporarily) not that bad. When they thought I had a stomach ulcer I could refer to these pains as heartburn...not too dramatic. Now what am I supposed to say? I can't say ooh I have a wee bit of gallstone attack. Too dramatic.

So...I need a new term. Gallstone scalding, gallstone rumble, gallstone foottrip, gallstone fisticuffs. I think the current winner is gallstone SCUFFLE but we can work further on this.

A plea to all drivers on behalf of all runners, particularly in foggy weather

2009-08-18T01:12:00.000-07:00

Please drivers listen to my pleas:

Do NOT drive over cattle stops when we are on them...it makes our legs spasm and we feel as though we are about to die or the world is ending (LOUDLY).
You create a SMALL HURRICANE when you fly past us at great speed. If we are beside a cliff go AROUND us. Just pretend we are real people and falling off a cliff might have consquences.
We have to wee. We just do. Pretend you don't see us. It's better for everyone that way.
If we have a minor GAMMY FALL or are so pained and tired that we walk, do not pull over and ask if we are okay or if we want a ride. We could not possibly want a ride more but we will never accept and though we look like we are dying we should survive (Please note this does not apply if arms are bent in the wrong place, there is excessive blood or we are losing consciousness).
Drive SLOWLY in the fog. I know it is funny to watch us scamper in your headlights but we have feelings too and though we may move like spastic rabbits we are human. Hard to believe I know. (Note: if you would like to try the oh my goodness I am about to be hit by a ute dance it goes like this: small step left, leap right, look up at rampant vehicle, 3 small steps left, small step right, leap left off road, watch driver laugh on way past and give a gammy wave).

A small story for your entertainment. Running along on Sunday we are up on the road, look left to see some poor woman weeing by the road. She looks up, grins with very embarrassed look on her face. It's got to be done. Run for hours and my running partner needs to wee (ALL THE BLIMMIN TIME). It is an extremely exposed area, not even any tussock but hey we have seen noone for hours. Go for it. I am standing on the road when I see a shadow running out of the fog. I laugh out loud at how ironic it is that NOW is when we see someone. Who is it? The weeing lady. She looks down off the road, sees my friend doing exactly the same thing. "I know that feeling" she says, "I know you do" I think but "Got to be done" I say. Ah honour among runners.

If this was the last time

2009-08-14T01:48:00.001-07:00

Today (I think, using the term in that mixed hemisphere confusion kind of way) is the 1 year anniversary since Nie Nie (one of my favourite bloggers), her husband Christian and their friend were involved in a terrible accident.

Nie Nie, Christian and their family have inspired me so much since reading their story...Stephanie's blog is here if you want to read more. In short, there was a terrible light plane crash and both Stephanie and Christian were extremely badly burnt. Their friend Doug did not survive and I guess they continue on a long long road to recovery in so many ways.

Today Stephanie is hiking the Y (I say as if I know what that means) to mark the anniversary of the events that changed their lives in such an extraordinary way. She invited others to join her but being in completely the wrong hemisphere I couldn't quite make it to the Y. Instead I ran. I ran the longest I have ever run. In the fog covered hills, past brand new lambs, past the beach, past the point of my longest run so far. I ran inspired by this amazing woman who doubtless has days of unimaginable struggle but who has grabbed hold of everything it is to be alive.

A while ago I heard a sermon by Shane Hipps about fasting and feasting. This was around the same time I began to read about Nie Nie. What is it to feast? Perhaps it is to FEEL everything as you might if it were your last time. If this were the last meal I ate I wouldn't scoff it down, I would want to EXPERIENCE every piece of it. All it is to LIVE. As I listened to this, I was running. I had just started again and it was a struggle. But I listened and I ran a little taller and I bounced a little more with every step.

I believe Nie Nie was a runner. I believe she will be again. But right now I guess that is one tiny part of what she has lost (If I could ever call losing the ability to move your body in some way without pain, or at all, tiny - only in comparison to incredible loss). Today, I thought about her courage, today I wanted to do something to mark it. The band in my knee started hurting, it makes me want to leave my leg bent all the time. It hurt, I won't deny that. But what I thought was fight on, fight on because you can, because this leg will unbend, because this body will, if treated right, do almost anything you want. You never know how long that will last. I want to TASTE it. So I choose to RUN and EXPERIENCE and LIVE. I want to do these things as if this is the last time. I want to run with more bounce in my step.

Nie Nie's gratitude at living builds gratitude in me. This is what they call inspired.

I ran just over 40k.

You have to put up with the running posts too sorry...

2009-08-13T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hey hey it's Saturday...well almost. This week was an "easy" running week (easy weeks involve a lot more running than they used to). So...so far I did the following:

Sunday - 21.1k

Wednesday - Rapaki (oh the pain)

Thursday - 45 mins Fartleks (you are going to have to be very creative to come up with a fartlek joke I haven't made yet).

And...tomorrow I shall run again before the next big kahuna Sunday - you are likely to hear about that next week.

Running lessons learnt this week:

An incredible sunrise makes it worth it:

Shin splints hurt

Ice and wrapping help a lot

Fartlek means "speed play", For playing it is not very fun...painful would be more the word.

It was a good running week. I feel rested and ready for a big one. I am greatly fearing the Abel Tasman Coastal Classic whilst simultaneously greatly looking forward to it.

In other news...

1) Got to go home from work 3 hours early yesterday because Lyttelton had no power...wohoo.

2) Took the day off today and went to hanmer...ahhhh goodness

3) I am going to try to make a dress out of a vintage pillow case for my niece's birthday...news on that shortly.

OH AND... I found the Amy Butler pattern I wanted...in Hanmer. So cool. Wai Ariki farm park... and she will even post them to you...

Leaving you...with great guilt at making you read about running.

What's this all about eh?

2009-08-11T23:16:00.000-07:00

Well I have been trawling through old pictures again.

I had taken pictures of myself when the black dog was heaviest on my back, when I was losing the battle well and truly, when I wasn't sure how this would all work out, or if it would at all. I took the pictures to show my doctor when words weren't coming easily. I wanted to draw them, to show what I was too scared to say.

I could name them...tired, empty, sad, defeated, embarrassed...these pictures sit in my iphoto in a folder called 'stuff to draw'.

But further in, hidden amongst a whole hodgepodge of photos from the past year or so is this photo:

Taken by surprise, by someone at work. No mask either way. And what I am struck by is how SICK I look. I guess I was. The black dog is not just in our heads.

Now I am so much better. It's not that things are better. Things were never bad in the first place. But I am better. It is under control. I'm winning.

Welcome to a world too beautiful for grief.