The wait is over and the news was good

As of 2011 I return to what I was in the beginning...before life changed things but with all the lessons I learnt along the way - University of Sydney Medical School I'm on my way

Run Forest Run

A few things you should know before reading this post...

1) Tonight I ventured out for the first time since my surgery...I went to the theatre

1b) It was Sweeny Todd and it was amazing (you actually didn't need to know that - I just wanted to share)

2) I have crutchers and with 2 bung legs I have to alternate right arm with left leg and vice versa

3) The bandages were hidden

4) I have to sit in the back seat of the car with my feet up...there is noone in the passenger seat

5) I was wearing my favourite, new hat...I'm very proud of it...see:

Okay, so first, here we are, running late and Sharyn drops me off...I am alone at the theatre, all dressed up and walking like I have polio...People are sssstttttaaaarrrrriiiiinnnngggg...all sorry looking because they don't know it's self inflicted...anyway...focus... (as an aside, I was propositioned by a young man in a passing vehicle who said 'want a hand love' - although I'm not sure he actually meant 'hand' - who said chivalry is dead?)

I have to keep my legs up...so, I have to put them on Sharyn's legs because we were too late to arrange a footstool...

(The staring people have me plotting funny things to say...)

People from work are there...but they only see me at intermission, with my legs up luckily on the seat next to me by now and I look like a naughty teenager with my feet on the chairs at the theatre royal...Sean (colleague) says 'I thought you only get one seat each' ...I laugh awkwardly...

(and expose a little bandage)

Great play comes to an end and colleagues are about to walk past again...I try to look natural and pick up my crutchers 'ahhh crutchers' says Sean knowingly...'yep' I say, trying to look as though I had picked them up for some reason other than saving face...

Walking/hobbling out there is more staring...I am going very slowly tap tap tap tap on the way back to the car...

Someone walks past me...a couple actually...they kind of glance sideways at me (joketime)

'RUN FOREST RUN' - It just comes out...honestly it was just for a giggle...they didn't laugh...maybe that's because they think I am dying, a poor young prisoner trapped in my ailing body...

The car park...We drive up to the window...Sharyn says 'she's hurt her legs, that's why she's in the back' (unnecessary explanation)...

I chip in 'she has kidnapped' me then I mouth 'HELP'...Sharyn yells 'SHUT UP' laughs then says 'it's hard to get good passengers these days'...He laughs...a lot and then says 'I like your hat'...

I am sttttooookkkeeeeddd...

Then he whispers 'just trying to keep her happy'...

hahaha touche old carpark man...I have enjoyed this exchange...

By Monday I will know...

They sent me an email to tell me that they will send me an email...by the 18th...

Terrified is an understatement...

Sorry doesn't make it okay

Sometimes I have done something I shouldn't have, or more often, not done something I should have. I do it repeatedly then I say something like 'I'm so bad' or 'I'm such a bad person'.

I think that means I'm sorry or I think that absolves me.

I feel disempowered. I feel like that's all I'm capable of. I lose integrity.

The truth is...I am not bad, I am not a bad person. I am choosing to behave badly and I am capable of better.

And with that truth, with that idea challenged, I have no excuse.

I want to nurture my integrity and lately I haven't always chosen that path.

But I am capable of more...

Courage to hope - A call to arms

I have too much time to think right now and I am realising just how much harder my thinking patterns make my life.

I have just spent a huge amount of money and a huger amount of hope on an operation to finally fix my legs.

At the same time, I am waiting for the final yes or no to go to Sydney Med School next year.

If (I still have to say that) I get in then I can apply to do an elective, actually one or both of 2 possible electives, working in another country. Today I found out that one of the options is Nepal, even rural, community health Nepal. Something I have dreamed of. Something that would marry my interest in development and my extreme desire to practice the hands on art of medicine in one. This would be the best thing I could imagine.

It should be good. But it HURTS. I am terrified that these things are not going to happen, I am terrified of failure, I am scared, when it comes down to it, that I am a fraud and that everyone is going to figure that out.

I am scared that if I allow myself to hope, it will hurt more if my plans don't come to be. I am scared that everyone thinks that I could never run as far as my old running partner, that I have never been the top of the class...and I am afraid that if the surgery doesn't work, or I never find that motivation again, or if they reject my application, that everyone will just think that it is confirmation of what they already knew...that I am full of crap.

The fact is that I know it is not true. I really do. But I still make it very very clear that I might not have done well in the interview and I still feel the need to talk about when I used to run 40k or whatever and I still choose to think that people are not believing me and I still choose to feel as though people are trying to rub their success in my face, that they are telling me that I'm not as good as them.

Someone very insightful has been helping me think things through and she said it all really when she said that because I'm so scared to hope, because I am always trying to prepare myself for the worst potential outcome, my life goes by with me feeling as if the worst thing is happening all the time.

But I'm still so afraid of failure.

I know with my mind (and the help of said insightful person) that expecting the worst doesn't actually stop it from happening and it doesn't actually make it any easier.

But I am afraid of failure...

and I am afraid of falling in love, with a city, with a man, with a life that I might not get...

If I could have one wish, and I guess, in my less tired and periodic state, I can have that wish...I would wish for the courage to hope. Hope is brave and honorable and alive and exciting and inspired and innocent and loving and inspiring and the only way to really experience all the good that is going on around you.

Even if it is hard.

The book about Obama's upbringing is called 'the audacity of hope'. I loved that even before I knew why.

My favourite ever work prank OR Vengence I

At work, when we are not absolutely overcome with trying to save the world one report at a time, pranking has been known to happen...

After a few close calls with reports going to committees with the occasional 'I'm so stupid I don't deserve to live' sentences added in by workmates, or a few autocorrects 'the' to 'tit' you soon learn to lock your computer...

Unless you are the key perpetrator...so workmate who we SHall call Aryn, is always playing tricks on me...including the month long episode where I lost all my stationary and was so afraid that I was losing my mind that I didn't even tell anyone...I mean you can lose a pencil quite easily but pencils, rulers, cellotape holders, staplers, holepunchers...anyway...after some very discreet 'has anyone seen my stapler?' remarks Aryn confessed after a couple of months (serious stickability)...anyway so time for the actual blog...VENGENCE...

Aryn leaves her computer unlocked...I jump on...I am struck by inspiration just like Michaelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel...and I start to write...

"Dear (R) Od, I find you very attractive (he actually is quite lovely looking...but I didn't let on...). Love Sharyn" (oops I mean Aryn)...

but, and here is the genius part...I tell Od that I am doing it...and by our genius combined, he drafts a reply email..."Aryn, well this is really awkward, you know I'm engaged'....

Then we sit like lions in wait...and she returns to her desk.

send (click).

ding ding...you have mail...

silence, Aryn's face is RED...

Did she have some lapse in self control and send him a seductive email...did Sumo send the email to Od from her account in a terrible prank and he really thinks she is in love with him, did she mean to send a little remark to all the other ladies in the office who think he is hot...she says NOTHING.

I'm glad my back is facing her as Od and I are both about as red as her by this point but from holding in the laughter

she checks her sent items...

the jig is up...but she is too scared to call it...

I confess...and that was better than the holepunch stuck to the desk (and subsequent confetti explosion) and the missing stationary, and the stamp pad ink on Aryn's phone and the switching the superceded and amended stamps...all added together.

what can I say...it was inspired.